What We Do When We Hurt

Each of us develops patterns of behavior that can begin early in our lives and become our default throughout our lives. I am a people-pleaser and my default is to do things that will win the approval of others. I say yes to things I should say “no” to and end up frustrated at myself for saying yes. I can recall signs that my people-pleasing began as early as elementary school.

My people-pleasing is the result of not feeling loved or protected while growing up. When we hurt, we cope and compensate. I see it in the person who does not fit well socially in their workplace. They compensate by pursuing academic or intellectual avenues. They cope by reading or studying instead of struggling to join the conversation during work breaks. They compensate by being the office clown. These activities help salve the hurt of not having the sense of belonging.

Coping and compensating actions include:
<Being the know-it-all
<Isolating – focusing on a book, hobby or anything that occupies your attention away from others
<Insulating – protecting yourself by ignoring or avoiding others
<Being the class clown or office jokester – masking your pain through the laughter of others, this is the story of many successful comedians

When I recognize that I am considering saying yes to something I do not have time or skill to accomplish, it is very likely I want to win approval and acceptance. I need to believe that my yes or no will not begin or end their approval of me. I need to politely decline without feeling I have to support my answer with sound reasons.

So, what should you do if you notice a behavior is a coping or compensating mechanism?  
>You should not give up reading, being winsome, learning or being funny.
>You should be aware if your actions are masking something.
>You should believe others will accept you regardless of performance
>You should not voluntarily do something you will regret later
>You should accept others, even before they accept you

Romans 15:7
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

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